This is my last entry on this blog before it goes public. Since I know how I tend to read blogs - from the latest to the first rather than first to latest - I'm assuming this entry will be the most read. But it that's the case, if this is the only entry you read, than I'm glad, because it took me until after I finished grad school to even get here. Maybe I can help someone else get here sooner...
This week, as I've been finishing off the last minor details of obtaining my degree, I've had lots of people say to me:
"Do you feel any different?"
"This is a huge identity shift for you!"
"Wow! Congrats! You must be so proud!"
But the truth is, I don't feel different and I don't really feel proud. All right, so I'm kinda excited that I finished my tenure at Eastern with a 3.9 GPA, but that's just because I feel good about not just skating through like I know I could have. But in general, no, I don't feel a whole big sense of accomplishment for getting my master's. Don't get me wrong, I worked my butt off for the last two years and I'm glad I did, but mostly, I'm just relieved it's finally over with.
My friend, Chrissy, also finished her master's at the same time as I did. Chrissy, however, is really proud of herself and I think she has every right to be. She is a biracial woman from a family who has struggled through poverty, addiction, depression, illness, and so many other things. Despite every barrier thrown up against her, and there were many, she persevered through it. Her father passed away last April, her family was evicted from their home by no fault of their own, and as they struggled to find a new home, she worked, went to school, did her required internship, and continued to help take care of her mother, pregnant sister, and niece. I could list even more barriers because I'm very close to her family, but I think you get the point. She was even written a letter by one of the administrators advising her not to pursue her master's right now because of all the stressors she and her family were under, but she didn't listen and this week she graduated with her degree. She is inspiring and I'm so proud of her.
But me? What barriers did I have really? I'm a young, attractive, educated white woman from a good, Christian, well-off family. College was never even a question and neither, really, was grad school. In fact, grad school was a step below the law school that was expected of me. And I didn't have to pay a dime of it myself. I didn't even have to work a fulltime job since my folks were still all too willing and able to keep supporting me and pay for school. But even my gratitude toward them for that has been overshadowed by this out of control social beast that takes our American Dream and makes it harder for some and easier for others, but ultimately bad for all.
The systematic injustices of white privilege not only makes completing a master's more difficult for my friend, but it numbs my own feelings of accomplishment. If I'm proud of anything that I've done in the last 3 years, it is that I've learned not to abuse or to take that privilege for granted. Instead I've become acutely aware of the ways it makes my friends' lives more difficult, but also of how it ultimately makes mine less satisfying. Chrissy truly has something to be proud of because despite all the walls against her, she prevailed. I had no walls. All I had to do was just not fuck up what my white privilege guarantees me. Is that really something to be proud of?
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