Searching for the quiet

I'm needing some quiet time. My mind and heart are so full of stuff, thoughts and emotions that just won't let me get a decent night's sleep. I don't just need a distraction, I need stillness. Searching... Searching...

Life in addition to the thesis

I expected this, but that doesn't make the fact any easier. Trying to stay on top of my thesis, my final class in grad school, the 10 lessons I teach throughout the week, grant writing for a nonprofit near my house, and wedding planning is not easy. Not to mention trying to take care of myself and be present to my relationships too. And maybe it is just the pressures of wedding planning and what it is "supposed" to look like, but I also feel kind of abandoned by a lot of my friends. I mean, a girl is supposed to get help from her mother, sisters, and best friends in planning her wedding, right? But my mother, sisters, and best friends are all living in other states and though all are eager to help me in anyway they can, the distance makes that really hard. I've only live up here for 3 years and don't really have a group of people I can call my best friends like I had in college or in high school. I guess it's harder once you are living life and away from forced situations of community like college living. But it means that there will probably be no bridal shower and maybe not even a bachelorette party, which always seemed to me to be really fun traditions. Realizing that makes me even happier we are doing the camp wedding thing, though, because it means I will have time with my friends beforehand to catch up and enjoy them rather than just seeing them for a hot second at the reception. Oh weddings.

Leading and engaging

I'm struggling with how to keep my participants engaged. Everyone seems really excited about the project and eager to help me, but they also have their own lives to be concerned with and distracted by. I don't want them to start feeling annoyed with me and my persistence, but I also need to keep reminding them to check the blog and respond. So far, it's been hard to get them to read and comment on each other's posts too. I'm hoping maybe the first face-to-face meeting with everyone will change a lot of that...providing most of them come. I have a total of 5 participants now and am wondering if I should try to add a couple more. It's probably best to do that early on rather than wait until the group feels too comfortable with one another to accept new people.

LOVE

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS PROJECT. Honestly, I am so glad that I changed my whole thesis at the last minute because I am in love with this project. I might not feel this way every day for the next few months, but right now I am so engaged, excited, and inspired. I am falling for Camden and its young people more and more by the day. For all of its negative press, there are some truly amazing, wise, and divinely-filled people coming from and residing in that city and they are all under the age of 25!

The Facebook

Facebook is an interesting and useful form of communication, even though I definitely have my discrepancies with it. Sometimes I hate how you can essentially know what is going on in so many people's lives without ever having to actually talk to them. However, at a time when almost everyone has a Facebook and checks it at least once daily if not many more times, it has been a very valuable way for me to communicate with the participants of my thesis regularly. I can send quick messages to the whole group reminding them to update on the blog and while not everyone is updating every day at the moment, I have at least 2-3 of them updating most of the time. And all of their updates are great and even this early on, are giving me new insights. Not only is Facebook an useful method of mass communication, but with people updating their statuses and adding photos so often, it also gives me another look into their daily lives that the blog does not, which I think might also play a part of my research. All of the normal youth drama, the ever-evolving relationships, the crazy pictures with friends or of themselves in the mirror with their phone, the attempts at witty status updates about nothing in particular, the passive aggressive updates when they are annoyed or frustrated, and the truly insightful responses to their world and experiences. 

Moving right along...

Well, the group blog officially began yesterday and after some minor frustrations with trying to get everyone on as a co-author because of blogger's system, I finally have 4 of the youth contributing. I'm waiting on responses from three others, but might ask a couple more people by tomorrow if they haven't responded. I'm slightly concerned that I'm going to have to remind them to blog every day, but hopefully after a few days it will just become a habit and I won't have to stay on their case about it. Fingers crossed!

Crossing Cultures and Chicken Fights

Yesterday, I met with one of the participants to catch up with her since I had not seen her for a number of months and to tell her a little bit more about the project in person. As we were catching up, she told me a story about how her stepfather had brought back a bunch of chickens and roosters from Puerto Rico a while back. She talked about how much she had loved the chickens and how cute they were. She said that at one point they had over 50 chickens and roosters in her backyard before a neighbor called animal control on them. She was really sad not to have them anymore. When I asked what all the chickens and roosters were for and why animal control was called, she said that they were for fighting. At first, I was really appalled and thought that animal control had the right idea, though I tried to hide it on my face so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable. It has always seemed very cruel and wrong to me to take animals, coop them up together, and then teach or encourage them to fight to the death. It reminds me too much of the Roman colosseum. My face must have given me away more than I meant for it to, however, because she defended it casually and said it had a lot to do with "Puerto Rican pride." She was very enthusiastic about caring for and raising the chickens as well as watching them fight to the death. It is a part of her culture and she is not ashamed.

Right now, I'm still not quite sure how I feel about it. I guess I'm still pretty appalled and strongly reminded of the colosseum, but I also feel a little more open-minded because of knowing her and because of her feelings toward chicken fighting and its link to "Puerto Rican pride." Not that I'm going to take up the hobby of chicken fighting, but the conversation made me think more about being able to interact and live cross-culturally. I was raised a certain way with certain values and so was she. That doesn't necessarily make either one of us right or wrong, just different. There are things about the culture in which I was raised that I believe are wrong and there are probably things that I will believe are wrong later after I have had more experiences. So much of right and wrong has more to do with how we are socialized and what we personally believe based on our experiences than what is actually "right" and "wrong." There is so much more gray in the world than any of us are comfortable with. We like to know where we stand and so we are much more comfortable in the black and white, even if it means damaging our relationships, reacting without love, and arrogantly telling others they are wrong. I would rather be uncomfortable and humbled than comfortable, fearful, and prideful. No culture has it all right and every culture has value and deserves, if nothing else, an open mind.

Be better for ya children

One of the participants in my project posted this on Facebook tonight and I think it says a lot for her wisdom and maturity for such a young woman and one that grew up in Camden:

Females and fellas be a good influence for ya child seriously...Funny how u hoe around and sell dope and incourage your child to be better shittn me they look up to their parents ...be better for ya children U ain't a man Faa that n u dam sure ain't a lady!

She's got it.

The Code of the Streets

An article I found really enlightening and also affirmed a lot of what I have learned over the last 3 years living in and near Camden:

"The Code of the Streets" by Elijah Anderson

All about the process...

So far I have met with three people interested in helping me with my thesis. All three seem very excited and are enthused about the group blogging idea. It makes it easier on everyone I think because they can participate regularly with the group without attending every group meeting. The one problem I've run into is that one of them is younger than 18, which means that I probably have to redo the IRB again, make that adjustment, resubmit it, and wait for approval before I can get started formally. Everything is a process.

Redemptive Shame, Redemptive Mercy

Somehow we must be able to stand up before our most bitter opponents and say: "We shall match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering. We will meet your physical force with soul force. Do to us what you will and we will still love you...But be assured that we'll  wear you down by our capacity to suffer, and one day we will win our freedom. We will not only win freedom for ourselves; we will so appeal to your heart and conscience that we will win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory. 
                                                 -Martin Luther King Jr.

Recently I saw the movie "Les Miserables" in the theater and I cried my eyes out the whole time. Most people cried during that movie, so my reaction was not all that unusual. At the end of the movie, I could have sat in the theater for another hour in awe and in tears. I was moved by the incredible mercy and redemption the story portrayed and how charged it was with the message of Jesus. So much pain and suffering was inflicted upon its characters, but they matched it with their capacity to suffer and shamed the powers that enslaved them. The movie reminded me of this quote by Martin Luther King Jr. and on this day that honors him and his work to bring about long-awaited mercy and justice, I wanted to unpack this portrayal and concept of grace.

"Les Mis" made me think a lot about how true change happens within a person and transformation in a whole society. In the story the main character, Jean Valjean is imprisoned and enslaved for stealing bread to save his sister's son. The antagonist, Javert, is a man of the strictest law, believing in the law's justice and that stronger sentences are required as a means of deterrence.  Once a criminal, always a criminal. When Jean Valjean is released and put on parole for life, he finds himself fit for little but a life working menial jobs, panhandling, and trying to find a different place to sleep each night out of the cold. When he is discovered by a priest, the priest invites him in to eat at his table and sleep in a warm bed for the night. Thinking this man is a fool, Jean Valjean robs him and flees in the middle of the night. When he is caught by the authorities and brought to the priest for questioning, the priest in an incredible act of grace, extends mercy to Jean Valjean by telling the authorities that he gave him the silver and then tells Jean Valjean that he left the best behind and gives him the expensive silver candlesticks. The priest saves Jean Valjean from a life of enslavement and tells him that he has saved him for God.

The rest of the movie follows Jean Valjean, his life forever changed and his soul redeemed because of this great act of mercy. He goes on to become very powerful himself and uses his power to bestow the same kind of mercy he received on others, wielding it with kindness, humility, and grace. All the while, Javert seeks him for breaking parole and to the very end, cannot see him, changed as he is, as anything other than a thief. There is no mercy in Javert, he is the law and he is power. When Javert eventually finds the tables turned, powerless in the hands of Jean Valjean and is shown mercy instead of "justice," he decides that he cannot live with an act of mercy that great over his head and he commits suicide.

In one of the most heartbreaking scenes of the movie, Jean Valjean has come alongside of a group of young rebel men, refusing to give into the harsh laws of the government and corruption of those in power. Outnumbered, the young men are eventually slaughtered, including a child about 8 years old. It was absolutely shameful and this is what I'm getting to.

How do people and societies change? Through great mercy and through deep, humbling shame. The only way to show mercy to someone is if you already have power over them. If one has no power, one cannot extend mercy, the only weapon one has is the ability to suffer and to shame those with power with one's "capacity to suffer." It is a sad, harsh truth. It is unfair that the powerful can show mercy and the powerless can shame through suffering, but what other way is there? It is the way of Jesus and though I may not believe that Jesus' blood saved us from a wrathful God and the fiery furnaces of hell, I do believe in the grace he taught and died for. In his advocacy for the marginalized and capacity to suffer alongside of them, he shamed Rome in all its power and wealth and the society began to change. What we now call "Christianity" took off and what had been a powerful nation began to fall as more and more people rebelled against its practices and corruption. Jesus embodied both the power to show mercy and the capacity to endure suffering and no one can deny the impact his life had on the world, whether they believe he's the savior or not.

As I think about who I am, what the world is, and the transformation that I wish to see, mostly I reflect on this defining grace that can shame the rich and powerful and extend mercy to the powerless. I long for that shame and that mercy to overcome the world and move us all to compassion. That's the kind of play I want to write. We write about what we see and what we experience, but also what we want to see and what we want to experience.

Like we're gonna die young

If I die young bury me in satin,
Lay me down on a bed of roses, 
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song. 
         ~ The Band Perry

It's not anything new. Musicians have been singing about dying young for decades. Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young," Johnny Cash's "I'd Rather Die Young," Beyonce's "Rather Die Young," The Band Perry quoted above, and now Ke$ha's new "Die Young" in which she tells the guy she meets in the bar to "make the most of the night like we're gonna die young." Confession: I love Ke$sha and I love that song. I know her lyrics are dirty and promote terrible values, but the songs are so catchy and I love how weird she is. But I can listen to her songs with her twisted values and not be affected by them in such a way that makes me think, "Yeah! That's the way!" I'm not going to "brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack" or meet the guy in the back by the jukebox to have sex with him. That lifestyle is just not me and frankly, though it may be fun occasionally to get a little wild and party with friends, to make a lifestyle out of it is just plain dangerous. However, this is the way I feel like a lot of young people are headed and popular music promotes and glorifies it.

I worry about this "die young" mentality that seems to exist most openly and obviously in the inner city among urban youth but is also a strong underlying theme in American society as a whole. Again, it is not anything new. In ancient times, dying young was often the glory of brave warriors. The violence of war represented courage, honor, and glory. I don't see much difference in our American mentality today. We praise our armed forces and young men for their courage to defend our country through violence and then we wonder why our young men are acting out the same thing on our streets at home. It is all about the glory and our culture esteems it, but we do not think about the consequences.

Some people could defend it by saying that it is the same idea as living like it's the last day of your life, but to me, there is a big difference between that and living like you're going to die young. Living like it's the last day of your life connotes that you are going to live fully present today and find meaning in your choices and relationships. "If it was your last day to live, how would you spend it?" Most people would say with loved ones or doing an activity they always wanted to do like skydiving. Living like you are going to die young has a connotation that you have no real future so why not just live for whatever makes you feel good right now. There is a big distinction and it is a dangerous one. Without hope for one's future, what do you really have except temporary pleasures?

I enjoy jamming out to Ke$ha's song, but the repercussions of our culture continuing to glorify the "die young" mentality are scary to think about and we are already paying the price.

The next four months of crazy

From the day I started my Master's program at Eastern University, I began hearing the phrase "Life is like that" constantly. The phrase is used by one of my professors most often to describe the concept of metaphor. "Art is metaphor for life," she would say. This is becoming an even deeper truth for me as I enter into my final semester of grad school and begin an unpredictable, yet exciting thesis project. In these next four months, I will not only be completing my class requirement for graduation, but planning my wedding and completing my thesis. I also teach about 7-8 Musical Theatre classes in my "spare time." This blog will be the place where I record my notes, thoughts, research findings, doubts, stresses, and anything else related to my thesis in order to supplement my final paper. Online blogging makes the copy/paste function easier.

My thesis involves engaging 6-8 young people between the ages of 18 and 30 to write a play about Camden, NJ and what it was like to grow up there. We will all be blogging together in a private group about the culture of Camden and their experience growing up in the city. I want their creativity to flow without my opinions, questions, and grapplings with my life, worldview, and thoughts on their lives, worldview, and thoughts. I don't want them to be able to read this blog until the project is finished so it will likely be private until all of that is over and then I might make it available to public viewing. In order to ensure their confidentiality, the names of any identifying people or places will be changed if I write about it here. That way, if this ever does become public, their personal information will remain private. So now that the blog introduction and background information part is over with, welcome to the next four months of crazy.