Final Lesson: How white privilege dulls my sense of accomplishment

This is my last entry on this blog before it goes public. Since I know how I tend to read blogs - from the latest to the first rather than first to latest - I'm assuming this entry will be the most read. But it that's the case, if this is the only entry you read, than I'm glad, because it took me until after I finished grad school to even get here. Maybe I can help someone else get here sooner...

This week, as I've been finishing off the last minor details of obtaining my degree, I've had lots of people say to me:

"Do you feel any different?"

"This is a huge identity shift for you!"

"Wow! Congrats! You must be so proud!"

But the truth is, I don't feel different and I don't really feel proud. All right, so I'm kinda excited that I finished my tenure at Eastern with a 3.9 GPA, but that's just because I feel good about not just skating through like I know I could have. But in general, no, I don't feel a whole big sense of accomplishment for getting my master's. Don't get me wrong, I worked my butt off for the last two years and I'm glad I did, but mostly, I'm just relieved it's finally over with.

My friend, Chrissy, also finished her master's at the same time as I did. Chrissy, however, is really proud of herself and I think she has every right to be. She is a biracial woman from a family who has struggled through poverty, addiction, depression, illness, and so many other things. Despite every barrier thrown up against her, and there were many, she persevered through it. Her father passed away last April, her family was evicted from their home by no fault of their own, and as they struggled to find a new home, she worked, went to school, did her required internship, and continued to help take care of her mother, pregnant sister, and niece. I could list even more barriers because I'm very close to her family, but I think you get the point. She was even written a letter by one of the administrators advising her not to pursue her master's right now because of all the stressors she and her family were under, but she didn't listen and this week she graduated with her degree. She is inspiring and I'm so proud of her.

But me? What barriers did I have really? I'm a young, attractive, educated white woman from a good, Christian, well-off family. College was never even a question and neither, really, was grad school. In fact, grad school was a step below the law school that was expected of me. And I didn't have to pay a dime of it myself. I didn't even have to work a fulltime job since my folks were still all too willing and able to keep supporting me and pay for school. But even my gratitude toward them for that has been overshadowed by this out of control social beast that takes our American Dream and makes it harder for some and easier for others, but ultimately bad for all.

The systematic injustices of white privilege not only makes completing a master's more difficult for my friend, but it numbs my own feelings of accomplishment. If I'm proud of anything that I've done in the last 3 years, it is that I've learned not to abuse or to take that privilege for granted. Instead I've become acutely aware of the ways it makes my friends' lives more difficult, but also of how it ultimately makes mine less satisfying. Chrissy truly has something to be proud of because despite all the walls against her, she prevailed. I had no walls. All I had to do was just not fuck up what my white privilege guarantees me. Is that really something to be proud of?

The Last Stretch

            I have spent the last two weeks writing about everything I learned throughout this project and wrapping up the theatre piece for the reader's theatre presentation. BUT I am finally DONE! I've submitted my first draft and held the reader's theatre. Now I just have to add a bit to the paper about the reader's theatre itself and the assessment from the participants and wait for feedback from my Mentor and Advisor. What a relief! What a huge weight lifted and gigantic sense of accomplishment! But not just because I finished 2 years of an intense master's program, but because of how much I've learned and grown along the way. I've struggled so much to figure out how to be in Camden and offer who I am to the city and the people without hurting it and this project helped me not only figure out a way, but figure out that I'm already on my way. But don't just take my word for it, here is what the participants said:

1)"I loved working on this project/piece with everyone involved. I have taken acting classes and have read some plays but I have never taken part in writing one. This opened my eyes to what it truly means to write something meaningful and close to your heart. I enjoyed the company of everyone I worked with on this our team of highly skilled writer worked around a bowl a popcorn to make this happen. At no point in this project did I ever feel like "this is work" the discussion always felt organic and natural. There is nothing I would change about the process that we used to write our masterpiece. I did find some of the articles we review during the meetings and on our blog very eye opening. I have always known what people thought of Camden, but I never knew they had such a grim view of its residents. They had no respect for anyone in this rundown city of mine even if they were honest to good working people. But, overall it was an enriching life experience and I would do it all over again if I was given a chance."

2) "My experience doing this project was great. Doing this project has made me see that I actually do have a voice. It’s taught me that I can speak out and say what I feel. I’m thankful to have been apart of something that made a difference in my eyes. When Stevie reached out to me and told me about the project I didn’t hesitate at all. I just had a feeling that something awesome was going to come from it. I feel as though I represented my city in a good manner. Me actually letting other inside my world was tough but I feel a sort of relief. This project has made me see that I’m important."

3) "My experience about the project made me realize who I am today. It made me think what I should be doing to reach my goals in the future. My experience made me realize how beautiful Camden is. What I liked about this project is that we are trying to make a difference to our city. Not everybody wants the best to their city. But does that mean we shouldn’t? No. What Stevie wanted us to do is to make a difference in this city. Not negative, but positive. For me, the reader’s theatre is perfect. It would tell us what our mistakes are so that we can fix them, or what they like, etc. I have learned so much. The most thing that I learned was myself. I learned that I am a strong and independent woman that makes mistakes but learn from them so that I don’t do it again. I said yes to this project because I knew it was the right thing to do. And because I would do anything for Stevie."
           
              I am so touched by their words and really encouraged that I'm going the right way - the way of relationship reconciliation and transformation through listening. They are not just participants in my project, they've become my friends.

Finding my voice

One of the things about this project that has been most difficult, especially as it gets closer to the end is switching between the academic brain and the artistic brain. I hadn't really anticipated that, but when Tim asked me to write a monologue about my experience, I found it really hard. I wrote pages upon pages of ideas and paragraphs before finally sending him something. I sent him my monologue as well as one that I had written using a lot of the comments I'd read on the online news articles. And when he called me to give me some feedback, it was really hard to hear.

"This is why I wanted you to write the monologue. It's what I've been afraid of, that is striving so hard to ensure the Camden voices get heard, you have lost your voice. Read the Camden Outsiders monologue out loud and then read yours out loud. Compare them as an actor and which one you would want to do for an audition. Which one feels more honest to you? Why?"

Mine was written more like a letter, trying to prove to people in Camden that I care and plead with them to help me learn how to do that well.

"Don't try to prove something," Tim said, "but just state your voice. Reclaim your voice as the artist and shoot for honesty. Make your objective, 'I want to be heard. This is how I feel and you must hear me' and stop worrying so much about convincing them through facts."

It was really good advice and I knew it because I started crying half way through the conversation and couldn't stop until after I'd written a second monologue from that deep place of vulnerability he'd dug up.

The monologues need some editing, but once they are done I'll post them. The good thing is, I'm starting to reclaim my voice and value it again.

More Positive Comments from Outsiders about Camden

• The residents deserved better government than the blood suckers that have run Camden for years.

• Camden needs a leadership that cares about the city and its citizens, not what would benefit themselves and their friends!

• The hypocrites in Camden do nothing for the citizens, they only perpetuate their own rule to benefit themselves, citizens are just a peripheral issue! 

• 40 more years of these people and nothing will be better for the citizens!

• There will be just a "safe conclave" near the waterfront for the specific beneficiaries!

• I live on the edges of a poor neighborhood in Philly. It’s what me and my wide can afford, despite earning a good but above the median income. Taking public transport every day, and living close to these people who “just sit on their asses and do nothing all day,” I can tell you that it is sometimes true, but not always. I see people from these neighborhoods on the bus going to and from work. I see them working in stores around me. You people really don’t know what you’re talking about. If you want to know why poor areas tend to be black, just go back 50-100 years. They were forced to be poor! Poverty is not easy to break out of. If you grow up poor you are more likely to grow up with bad role models and with bad habits. It’s all well and good to say that “you have to be the change”, but it is NOT that easy. And, year upon year, more and more people are falling into poverty, which makes the competition to ‘get out’ of it harder and harder. Once the middle class disappears (which is slowly happening), expect the s#%t to really hit the fan. Poverty is the problem, not colour.

• When there are no longer enough middle class consumers to support all these service jobs that the working poor are expected to live off of, Camden will be America.

• “To be honest it can’t be fixed, it is what it is, people there will not change its their way of life, I say leave them to their own choosing. Next case.”  

              I wonder what you would have done if you lived in a city with 40% unemployment, where all the jobs have disappeared. A city without some income producing activity to sustain it, be it manufacturing, trade or banking, is just a desert. It is easy to say leave, but without money or skills, where do you go?

• Amazing that this city is just 1 hour and a few minutes from Wall Street, the Financial Center of the world.

Wall Street Set For Best Two Years Ever, Thanks To Bailout Huff Post Business
Two agonizing years for the U.S. economy have been some of the best years on record for Wall Street.
After first receiving billions in taxpayer aid, and now ultracheap funding from the Federal Reserve, Wall Street banks are on track to wrap up two of their best years ever.
According to an October estimate, Wall Street firms are set to pay out $144 billion in bonuses this year, to break a record for the second year in a row. 

   

         Sorry, I need to throw up…..

• This is very saddening. Crime does not recognize justice, however a seemingly impossible question for Camden asks citizens to lower the level of crime. Traditionally economic suppression is followed by low education, poverty, poor health, high crime, and discouragement for businesses. Until area economics increase substantially, Camden will suffer. Socially collective in belief and commitment, the citizen's of Camden may want to belong to a social network that counters the negative conditioning that accompanies economic suppression.

• Maybe after the battle ends (hopefully soon) in Israel, Anderson Cooper can bring his camera crew and report from the war zone in Camden, NJ. We found the money to fund the iron dome to help protect the Israelis from their enemies ($800 million) maybe we can find some to protect poor American families with children living in shockingly dangerous conditions where there seems to be no end to the bloodshed. Or don't our own children count?

• you are so right, sue! we are spending billions in afghanistan building roads and other infrastructure, schools, hospitals etc...maybe when our military is finished there they can invade camden and build roads and infrastructure, schools, hospitals, etc.

• Yes! And maybe take some of the money spent in the Middle East and invest instead in Camden NJ. Reward industries for opening and hiring in that area.

• Camden is not a cesspool. There are good hard working people that live here. People who just want to raise their kids or live out their retirement years in peace. The real issue in Camden; and the other cities you mentioned, is poverty. Also, the breakdown of the family, culture and society are other factors. Don't be so quick to judge Camden and write off an entire City as worthless. Did you ever stop to think that much of the drug selling in Camden is paid for by those coming into the City to BUY the drugs. Who are these customers? Could they be your friends, your neighbors, family members or even your own children. Camden has suffered from years of corrupt elected officials ripping off the money that was to go to help the City create jobs and other needed services, such as public safety. Unfortunately, this METRO Police Plan is just another example by corrupt Camden County Freeholders to take 60 million dollars out of the City and use it to award contracts to their cronies and steal more millions from the taxpayers. Taxpayer funds are drying up and so these corrupt elected officials are looking for new pots of money to control and rip off. Tony, your list of US Cities does have one thing in common; corrupt local government run by powerful political bosses. But beware Tony, this corruption and tyranny is spreading and the disasterous METRO Police Plan may come to a City near you!!

• Those added costs to cities means affording fewer cops on the streets, which in turn increases the risk. A vicious cycle. For Camden, as a city, it has few choices left. What they have now is not working, just getting worse. Maybe the new plan will work, maybe not. But at this point, it deserves a shot, as Camden’s residents deserve not to be shot.

• Sad to say but it is what it is. As long as there are drugs, there will be violence! Therefore, it will not end because the government will never stop the drug game. It employs too many people - judges, lawyers, cops, prisons and rehab centers. So tell me if it's going to stop, I don't think so.

• When I hear the word Camden, I cringe. I fear the worst when I ride into that city because it is obvious the criminals don't care why I am there just that I may not belong. The city itself has some great people living there. But, overall, I do not have any desire to go into a city where my family has lost a beautiful young soul and, to this day, it hasn't been resolved.

• I pray one day that Camden can flourish and become just a statistic of a "bad city" once upon a time.

• No, the violence won't stop me from going into Camden. Between school and doctor appointments I am there daily during the week. I take my kids to the aquarium, my son's neurologist is at Cooper and my classes are there. Why should I let what others do dictate my life?

• I do pray for Camden and I do hope for change. But no comment we make on here will change anything. Only ACTION brings change.

• The primary cause of Camden’s problem, if people listened to the videos, is that the poor population kept getting poorer and growing in size while the wealthy kept getting wealthier. This is the same scenario as the whole nation is beginning to experience. We could use this as a good Blue Print of what America in general will be from sea to shining sea if thing are not done to protect ALL AMERICANS not just the Wealthy. 

It has been over a month since I posted here. Fail. I've been much better on the other blog I have going with the participants, but still, blogging is a lot harder than I thought and a lot more time consuming when one is keeping up with another blog, planning a wedding, teaching classes, researching, writing for other classes, and planning out the thesis in general.

I've been having a harder time lately, though have received much needed encouragement from both my mentor and my advisor. "Just write," they said. So I've been trying. I've been attempting to write a monologue about my experience but that is so much harder to do than even I thought! How do I sum up everything I've been thinking and feeling in just a page or so of writing? How to I really get across to my audience, the people of Camden, that I really do care but I just don't know how to do that well? How do I write about all I have learned in this process? No matter how I write it, I just can't seem to find the right words.

EDIT: I went back and wrote a bunch more blogs after this entry. Some are things that I had posted on the group blog with the participants but wanted to get a chance to write my own opinions. Go me for being productive today! Maybe this blog will actually be useful for my thesis...if I ever get to writing it.

Limitations

In any good research project, there is always a section titled "Limitations" in which one outlines all of the many potential problems one is likely to encounter. It may be written in retrospect as well, limitations that were expected and also the unexpected that one learned along the process.

In the beginning, there were a few limitations I expected:

• Having only a few voluntary participants, but requiring a lot of time from them
• My own slacker tendency when it comes to blogging
• Setting regular meetings
• Motivating others to write on the blog
• Communication
• Cultural differences

However, there are also a number of limitations that I hadn't anticipated, particularly when it comes to my participants:

• Problems with technology and lack of access to resources
• Online blogging on a cell phone is incredibly annoying. I have a lovely MacPro and so typing and submitting usually has few problems or annoyances. However, cell phones often have more difficulty with internet access. It's constantly cutting out, it's really slow with loading, you can't always view videos or hyperlinks, and sometimes the connection fails right in the middle of submitting your blog and the last thing you want to do is write it all over again. Besides, you won't even be able to say it as well the second time anyway. 
• Problems with transportation
• Busses, walking, trains, cars, and rides can all be incredibly unreliable 
• Cultural Barriers
• Access to resources and technology 
• Context of poverty
• Apathy for one's own situation
• "It is the way it is" kind of fatalism
• Survival/Die Young Culture
• Poverty and Problems with Life
• Even if you are doing okay, making money, able to afford your rent, groceries, and bills that still doesn't mean that living in the context of poverty doesn't take its toll. Life happens and things, in general, are just tougher when you live in the context of poverty even if you don't consider yourself poor. Cars that you expect to be reliable break down, your grandmother goes into the hospital, your friend can't pick you up anymore, your mom needs you to watch your sibling so she can go to work, your baby gets sick or you can't find a babysitter, and so many more things that just happen that make keeping your commitments that much more difficult. 

Thesis Mentor

I have the best thesis mentor ever. I know that one of the "rules" was that I was not allowed to choose a friend, but what are rules there for except to be broken? Tim is so much more than a friend, though. He's worn many hats in the 8 years that we've known each other. He's been a mentor, boss, voice teacher, director, and friend and there is no one in the world I trust to be more honest with me about my work. Not only that, he knows how to do that in such a way that I do not feel like a horrible person afterward, but someone who is on a journey and learning.

I've been feeling really discouraged about my thesis and this whole play idea lately and if it hadn't been for his care, support, and advice, I would be quickly sinking into a deep, dark hole of despair in which, despite two years of hard work, I never graduate with my Master's. Luckily, that isn't going to happen thanks to Tim.

With less than two weeks left until the first draft of my thesis is due, the full play idea just isn't going to fly. But instead of allowing me to feel like a total failure, Tim helped me come up with a few ideas of how I can write about what I've learned and still have a valuable artistic and theatrical element to my thesis. All in all, hope is returning, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I think I might actually be able to do this.