One of the things about this project that has been most difficult, especially as it gets closer to the end is switching between the academic brain and the artistic brain. I hadn't really anticipated that, but when Tim asked me to write a monologue about my experience, I found it really hard. I wrote pages upon pages of ideas and paragraphs before finally sending him something. I sent him my monologue as well as one that I had written using a lot of the comments I'd read on the online news articles. And when he called me to give me some feedback, it was really hard to hear.
"This is why I wanted you to write the monologue. It's what I've been afraid of, that is striving so hard to ensure the Camden voices get heard, you have lost your voice. Read the Camden Outsiders monologue out loud and then read yours out loud. Compare them as an actor and which one you would want to do for an audition. Which one feels more honest to you? Why?"
Mine was written more like a letter, trying to prove to people in Camden that I care and plead with them to help me learn how to do that well.
"Don't try to prove something," Tim said, "but just state your voice. Reclaim your voice as the artist and shoot for honesty. Make your objective, 'I want to be heard. This is how I feel and you must hear me' and stop worrying so much about convincing them through facts."
It was really good advice and I knew it because I started crying half way through the conversation and couldn't stop until after I'd written a second monologue from that deep place of vulnerability he'd dug up.
The monologues need some editing, but once they are done I'll post them. The good thing is, I'm starting to reclaim my voice and value it again.
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