Final Lesson: How white privilege dulls my sense of accomplishment

This is my last entry on this blog before it goes public. Since I know how I tend to read blogs - from the latest to the first rather than first to latest - I'm assuming this entry will be the most read. But it that's the case, if this is the only entry you read, than I'm glad, because it took me until after I finished grad school to even get here. Maybe I can help someone else get here sooner...

This week, as I've been finishing off the last minor details of obtaining my degree, I've had lots of people say to me:

"Do you feel any different?"

"This is a huge identity shift for you!"

"Wow! Congrats! You must be so proud!"

But the truth is, I don't feel different and I don't really feel proud. All right, so I'm kinda excited that I finished my tenure at Eastern with a 3.9 GPA, but that's just because I feel good about not just skating through like I know I could have. But in general, no, I don't feel a whole big sense of accomplishment for getting my master's. Don't get me wrong, I worked my butt off for the last two years and I'm glad I did, but mostly, I'm just relieved it's finally over with.

My friend, Chrissy, also finished her master's at the same time as I did. Chrissy, however, is really proud of herself and I think she has every right to be. She is a biracial woman from a family who has struggled through poverty, addiction, depression, illness, and so many other things. Despite every barrier thrown up against her, and there were many, she persevered through it. Her father passed away last April, her family was evicted from their home by no fault of their own, and as they struggled to find a new home, she worked, went to school, did her required internship, and continued to help take care of her mother, pregnant sister, and niece. I could list even more barriers because I'm very close to her family, but I think you get the point. She was even written a letter by one of the administrators advising her not to pursue her master's right now because of all the stressors she and her family were under, but she didn't listen and this week she graduated with her degree. She is inspiring and I'm so proud of her.

But me? What barriers did I have really? I'm a young, attractive, educated white woman from a good, Christian, well-off family. College was never even a question and neither, really, was grad school. In fact, grad school was a step below the law school that was expected of me. And I didn't have to pay a dime of it myself. I didn't even have to work a fulltime job since my folks were still all too willing and able to keep supporting me and pay for school. But even my gratitude toward them for that has been overshadowed by this out of control social beast that takes our American Dream and makes it harder for some and easier for others, but ultimately bad for all.

The systematic injustices of white privilege not only makes completing a master's more difficult for my friend, but it numbs my own feelings of accomplishment. If I'm proud of anything that I've done in the last 3 years, it is that I've learned not to abuse or to take that privilege for granted. Instead I've become acutely aware of the ways it makes my friends' lives more difficult, but also of how it ultimately makes mine less satisfying. Chrissy truly has something to be proud of because despite all the walls against her, she prevailed. I had no walls. All I had to do was just not fuck up what my white privilege guarantees me. Is that really something to be proud of?

The Last Stretch

            I have spent the last two weeks writing about everything I learned throughout this project and wrapping up the theatre piece for the reader's theatre presentation. BUT I am finally DONE! I've submitted my first draft and held the reader's theatre. Now I just have to add a bit to the paper about the reader's theatre itself and the assessment from the participants and wait for feedback from my Mentor and Advisor. What a relief! What a huge weight lifted and gigantic sense of accomplishment! But not just because I finished 2 years of an intense master's program, but because of how much I've learned and grown along the way. I've struggled so much to figure out how to be in Camden and offer who I am to the city and the people without hurting it and this project helped me not only figure out a way, but figure out that I'm already on my way. But don't just take my word for it, here is what the participants said:

1)"I loved working on this project/piece with everyone involved. I have taken acting classes and have read some plays but I have never taken part in writing one. This opened my eyes to what it truly means to write something meaningful and close to your heart. I enjoyed the company of everyone I worked with on this our team of highly skilled writer worked around a bowl a popcorn to make this happen. At no point in this project did I ever feel like "this is work" the discussion always felt organic and natural. There is nothing I would change about the process that we used to write our masterpiece. I did find some of the articles we review during the meetings and on our blog very eye opening. I have always known what people thought of Camden, but I never knew they had such a grim view of its residents. They had no respect for anyone in this rundown city of mine even if they were honest to good working people. But, overall it was an enriching life experience and I would do it all over again if I was given a chance."

2) "My experience doing this project was great. Doing this project has made me see that I actually do have a voice. It’s taught me that I can speak out and say what I feel. I’m thankful to have been apart of something that made a difference in my eyes. When Stevie reached out to me and told me about the project I didn’t hesitate at all. I just had a feeling that something awesome was going to come from it. I feel as though I represented my city in a good manner. Me actually letting other inside my world was tough but I feel a sort of relief. This project has made me see that I’m important."

3) "My experience about the project made me realize who I am today. It made me think what I should be doing to reach my goals in the future. My experience made me realize how beautiful Camden is. What I liked about this project is that we are trying to make a difference to our city. Not everybody wants the best to their city. But does that mean we shouldn’t? No. What Stevie wanted us to do is to make a difference in this city. Not negative, but positive. For me, the reader’s theatre is perfect. It would tell us what our mistakes are so that we can fix them, or what they like, etc. I have learned so much. The most thing that I learned was myself. I learned that I am a strong and independent woman that makes mistakes but learn from them so that I don’t do it again. I said yes to this project because I knew it was the right thing to do. And because I would do anything for Stevie."
           
              I am so touched by their words and really encouraged that I'm going the right way - the way of relationship reconciliation and transformation through listening. They are not just participants in my project, they've become my friends.

Finding my voice

One of the things about this project that has been most difficult, especially as it gets closer to the end is switching between the academic brain and the artistic brain. I hadn't really anticipated that, but when Tim asked me to write a monologue about my experience, I found it really hard. I wrote pages upon pages of ideas and paragraphs before finally sending him something. I sent him my monologue as well as one that I had written using a lot of the comments I'd read on the online news articles. And when he called me to give me some feedback, it was really hard to hear.

"This is why I wanted you to write the monologue. It's what I've been afraid of, that is striving so hard to ensure the Camden voices get heard, you have lost your voice. Read the Camden Outsiders monologue out loud and then read yours out loud. Compare them as an actor and which one you would want to do for an audition. Which one feels more honest to you? Why?"

Mine was written more like a letter, trying to prove to people in Camden that I care and plead with them to help me learn how to do that well.

"Don't try to prove something," Tim said, "but just state your voice. Reclaim your voice as the artist and shoot for honesty. Make your objective, 'I want to be heard. This is how I feel and you must hear me' and stop worrying so much about convincing them through facts."

It was really good advice and I knew it because I started crying half way through the conversation and couldn't stop until after I'd written a second monologue from that deep place of vulnerability he'd dug up.

The monologues need some editing, but once they are done I'll post them. The good thing is, I'm starting to reclaim my voice and value it again.

More Positive Comments from Outsiders about Camden

• The residents deserved better government than the blood suckers that have run Camden for years.

• Camden needs a leadership that cares about the city and its citizens, not what would benefit themselves and their friends!

• The hypocrites in Camden do nothing for the citizens, they only perpetuate their own rule to benefit themselves, citizens are just a peripheral issue! 

• 40 more years of these people and nothing will be better for the citizens!

• There will be just a "safe conclave" near the waterfront for the specific beneficiaries!

• I live on the edges of a poor neighborhood in Philly. It’s what me and my wide can afford, despite earning a good but above the median income. Taking public transport every day, and living close to these people who “just sit on their asses and do nothing all day,” I can tell you that it is sometimes true, but not always. I see people from these neighborhoods on the bus going to and from work. I see them working in stores around me. You people really don’t know what you’re talking about. If you want to know why poor areas tend to be black, just go back 50-100 years. They were forced to be poor! Poverty is not easy to break out of. If you grow up poor you are more likely to grow up with bad role models and with bad habits. It’s all well and good to say that “you have to be the change”, but it is NOT that easy. And, year upon year, more and more people are falling into poverty, which makes the competition to ‘get out’ of it harder and harder. Once the middle class disappears (which is slowly happening), expect the s#%t to really hit the fan. Poverty is the problem, not colour.

• When there are no longer enough middle class consumers to support all these service jobs that the working poor are expected to live off of, Camden will be America.

• “To be honest it can’t be fixed, it is what it is, people there will not change its their way of life, I say leave them to their own choosing. Next case.”  

              I wonder what you would have done if you lived in a city with 40% unemployment, where all the jobs have disappeared. A city without some income producing activity to sustain it, be it manufacturing, trade or banking, is just a desert. It is easy to say leave, but without money or skills, where do you go?

• Amazing that this city is just 1 hour and a few minutes from Wall Street, the Financial Center of the world.

Wall Street Set For Best Two Years Ever, Thanks To Bailout Huff Post Business
Two agonizing years for the U.S. economy have been some of the best years on record for Wall Street.
After first receiving billions in taxpayer aid, and now ultracheap funding from the Federal Reserve, Wall Street banks are on track to wrap up two of their best years ever.
According to an October estimate, Wall Street firms are set to pay out $144 billion in bonuses this year, to break a record for the second year in a row. 

   

         Sorry, I need to throw up…..

• This is very saddening. Crime does not recognize justice, however a seemingly impossible question for Camden asks citizens to lower the level of crime. Traditionally economic suppression is followed by low education, poverty, poor health, high crime, and discouragement for businesses. Until area economics increase substantially, Camden will suffer. Socially collective in belief and commitment, the citizen's of Camden may want to belong to a social network that counters the negative conditioning that accompanies economic suppression.

• Maybe after the battle ends (hopefully soon) in Israel, Anderson Cooper can bring his camera crew and report from the war zone in Camden, NJ. We found the money to fund the iron dome to help protect the Israelis from their enemies ($800 million) maybe we can find some to protect poor American families with children living in shockingly dangerous conditions where there seems to be no end to the bloodshed. Or don't our own children count?

• you are so right, sue! we are spending billions in afghanistan building roads and other infrastructure, schools, hospitals etc...maybe when our military is finished there they can invade camden and build roads and infrastructure, schools, hospitals, etc.

• Yes! And maybe take some of the money spent in the Middle East and invest instead in Camden NJ. Reward industries for opening and hiring in that area.

• Camden is not a cesspool. There are good hard working people that live here. People who just want to raise their kids or live out their retirement years in peace. The real issue in Camden; and the other cities you mentioned, is poverty. Also, the breakdown of the family, culture and society are other factors. Don't be so quick to judge Camden and write off an entire City as worthless. Did you ever stop to think that much of the drug selling in Camden is paid for by those coming into the City to BUY the drugs. Who are these customers? Could they be your friends, your neighbors, family members or even your own children. Camden has suffered from years of corrupt elected officials ripping off the money that was to go to help the City create jobs and other needed services, such as public safety. Unfortunately, this METRO Police Plan is just another example by corrupt Camden County Freeholders to take 60 million dollars out of the City and use it to award contracts to their cronies and steal more millions from the taxpayers. Taxpayer funds are drying up and so these corrupt elected officials are looking for new pots of money to control and rip off. Tony, your list of US Cities does have one thing in common; corrupt local government run by powerful political bosses. But beware Tony, this corruption and tyranny is spreading and the disasterous METRO Police Plan may come to a City near you!!

• Those added costs to cities means affording fewer cops on the streets, which in turn increases the risk. A vicious cycle. For Camden, as a city, it has few choices left. What they have now is not working, just getting worse. Maybe the new plan will work, maybe not. But at this point, it deserves a shot, as Camden’s residents deserve not to be shot.

• Sad to say but it is what it is. As long as there are drugs, there will be violence! Therefore, it will not end because the government will never stop the drug game. It employs too many people - judges, lawyers, cops, prisons and rehab centers. So tell me if it's going to stop, I don't think so.

• When I hear the word Camden, I cringe. I fear the worst when I ride into that city because it is obvious the criminals don't care why I am there just that I may not belong. The city itself has some great people living there. But, overall, I do not have any desire to go into a city where my family has lost a beautiful young soul and, to this day, it hasn't been resolved.

• I pray one day that Camden can flourish and become just a statistic of a "bad city" once upon a time.

• No, the violence won't stop me from going into Camden. Between school and doctor appointments I am there daily during the week. I take my kids to the aquarium, my son's neurologist is at Cooper and my classes are there. Why should I let what others do dictate my life?

• I do pray for Camden and I do hope for change. But no comment we make on here will change anything. Only ACTION brings change.

• The primary cause of Camden’s problem, if people listened to the videos, is that the poor population kept getting poorer and growing in size while the wealthy kept getting wealthier. This is the same scenario as the whole nation is beginning to experience. We could use this as a good Blue Print of what America in general will be from sea to shining sea if thing are not done to protect ALL AMERICANS not just the Wealthy. 

It has been over a month since I posted here. Fail. I've been much better on the other blog I have going with the participants, but still, blogging is a lot harder than I thought and a lot more time consuming when one is keeping up with another blog, planning a wedding, teaching classes, researching, writing for other classes, and planning out the thesis in general.

I've been having a harder time lately, though have received much needed encouragement from both my mentor and my advisor. "Just write," they said. So I've been trying. I've been attempting to write a monologue about my experience but that is so much harder to do than even I thought! How do I sum up everything I've been thinking and feeling in just a page or so of writing? How to I really get across to my audience, the people of Camden, that I really do care but I just don't know how to do that well? How do I write about all I have learned in this process? No matter how I write it, I just can't seem to find the right words.

EDIT: I went back and wrote a bunch more blogs after this entry. Some are things that I had posted on the group blog with the participants but wanted to get a chance to write my own opinions. Go me for being productive today! Maybe this blog will actually be useful for my thesis...if I ever get to writing it.

Limitations

In any good research project, there is always a section titled "Limitations" in which one outlines all of the many potential problems one is likely to encounter. It may be written in retrospect as well, limitations that were expected and also the unexpected that one learned along the process.

In the beginning, there were a few limitations I expected:

• Having only a few voluntary participants, but requiring a lot of time from them
• My own slacker tendency when it comes to blogging
• Setting regular meetings
• Motivating others to write on the blog
• Communication
• Cultural differences

However, there are also a number of limitations that I hadn't anticipated, particularly when it comes to my participants:

• Problems with technology and lack of access to resources
• Online blogging on a cell phone is incredibly annoying. I have a lovely MacPro and so typing and submitting usually has few problems or annoyances. However, cell phones often have more difficulty with internet access. It's constantly cutting out, it's really slow with loading, you can't always view videos or hyperlinks, and sometimes the connection fails right in the middle of submitting your blog and the last thing you want to do is write it all over again. Besides, you won't even be able to say it as well the second time anyway. 
• Problems with transportation
• Busses, walking, trains, cars, and rides can all be incredibly unreliable 
• Cultural Barriers
• Access to resources and technology 
• Context of poverty
• Apathy for one's own situation
• "It is the way it is" kind of fatalism
• Survival/Die Young Culture
• Poverty and Problems with Life
• Even if you are doing okay, making money, able to afford your rent, groceries, and bills that still doesn't mean that living in the context of poverty doesn't take its toll. Life happens and things, in general, are just tougher when you live in the context of poverty even if you don't consider yourself poor. Cars that you expect to be reliable break down, your grandmother goes into the hospital, your friend can't pick you up anymore, your mom needs you to watch your sibling so she can go to work, your baby gets sick or you can't find a babysitter, and so many more things that just happen that make keeping your commitments that much more difficult. 

Thesis Mentor

I have the best thesis mentor ever. I know that one of the "rules" was that I was not allowed to choose a friend, but what are rules there for except to be broken? Tim is so much more than a friend, though. He's worn many hats in the 8 years that we've known each other. He's been a mentor, boss, voice teacher, director, and friend and there is no one in the world I trust to be more honest with me about my work. Not only that, he knows how to do that in such a way that I do not feel like a horrible person afterward, but someone who is on a journey and learning.

I've been feeling really discouraged about my thesis and this whole play idea lately and if it hadn't been for his care, support, and advice, I would be quickly sinking into a deep, dark hole of despair in which, despite two years of hard work, I never graduate with my Master's. Luckily, that isn't going to happen thanks to Tim.

With less than two weeks left until the first draft of my thesis is due, the full play idea just isn't going to fly. But instead of allowing me to feel like a total failure, Tim helped me come up with a few ideas of how I can write about what I've learned and still have a valuable artistic and theatrical element to my thesis. All in all, hope is returning, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I think I might actually be able to do this.

Not everyone outside is buying what they (the media) is selling

It is not a total triumph, but I am encouraged by the fact that not all outsiders are fooled by the media's portrayal of Camden. Even so, this article posted shortly after the NBC Nightly News story came out still seems to miss the point a little. The article, also written by a Camden outsider, quotes another white Camden outsider, Rev. Jeff Putthoff. So even though I'm glad he isn't totally sucked in by NBC, he still is missing a big part of the story.

NBC's Camden: Same old story?

POSTED: Friday, March 8, 2013, 9:17 AM

The national news media are spotlighting Camden again, and so far the view looks rather familiar.

The ruined row house panoramas as seen from a patrol car; the Walt Whitman "city invincible" verse no journalist can resist; the obligatory interview with Msgr. Michael Doyle...all can be found in NBC's special report about America's (choose your favorite un-superlative) city.

Brian Williams launched the occasional series Thursday during the NBC Nightly News (link to the cliphere); Camden also will be featured on the Rock Center with Brian Williams show at 10 p.m. Friday.

With all due respect to the estimable Mr. Williams, and in particular, to Msgr. Doyle -- without whose decades of work the city would be unimaginably worse -- I question the value of yet another cinematic narrative about Camden's ills.

I'm not alone; in a pre-dawn Facebook exchange, Rev. Jeff Putthoff, of the city's Hopeworks youth development program, suggests the media ought to shift its focus.

Healing Camden "requires us to think differently," he tells me. "We need to think new before we do new...the issue (is) we continue to do the old in new way." He describes events like the upcoming Camden Trauma Summit as an effort to look behind and beyond the woeful crime statistics to explore the malevolent impact of poverty on human beings.

And Putthoff wonders what happens to people to make criminal behavior seem like something useful. A switch like that "is powerful... and also quite disturbing," he says.

How Mumford & Sons missed the point and lost a fan

ARTICLE: Camden in a positive light?

A little over a week ago, a music video of the song "Whispers in the Dark" by the British Isles folk group, Mumford & Sons, went public. An article praising it and its positive portrayal of Camden was in the news media right after. It was filmed at the Waterfront. The article states that "After a prime-time network feature, last week, focused on Camden's poverty and crime, Perno says the video sends a very different message. 'I'm hoping viewers will take a look at it and say there's something interesting about Camden City,' he says, 'and maybe it's a place I would like to go to."

For the last few months, I have known that I'm stressed out with wedding planning and thesis work only because my left eye has been twitching mercilessly, otherwise, I have been successfully repressing those feelings for the sake of "just get it done." But this music video ruined all of that. 

I had been able to handle the NBC Nightly News article and all of the horrid commentary, but I was unable repress the intense emotions that surfaced after watching this video. I retreated to the bathroom and cried my eyes out, furious with these musicians that I used to really enjoy and now cannot listen to without feelings of resentment and bitterness surfacing. For all of their lyrics which seem to have a somewhat Christian, social justice message, they totally missed the point and an opportunity to really say something important and meaningful about Camden to the rest of the outside world. Instead, they glorified the Camden Waterfront, a tourist attraction created by outsiders with millions and millions of dollars that the citizens still haven't received any benefit from. They even featured the Camden Aquarium which spent $25 million a few years ago so they could add hippos to the attraction. Let me just make sure I drive that point home: $25 Million Dollars on HIPPOS while over 50% of the houses in Camden have been declared unlivable. 

And here come Mumford & Sons glorifying all of that, probably without even meaning to, but these days I am less inclined to accept "ignorance" as a valid excuse. I don't care if you are British. Only days before this video went public the national NBC Nightly News story came out about how Camden is the poorest and most dangerous city in America and if you didn't bother to do your research before coming in and doing a huge concert and perpetuating the perspective that wealthy, white outsiders are the only people trying to do some good in the city that is not anyone's fault but your own. I'm angry and disappointed with this group, because not only did they perpetuate this perspective that is so dehumanizing and harmful for Camden's citizens, but they missed out on an opportunity to present an artistic piece that showed the REAL beauty of Camden. 

I mean, what impact could they have had on the outside world if they, instead of riding their motorcycles around Camden at night, walking around on the Battleship, showing footage of jellyfish, and getting ready for their sold-out concert at the Susquehanna Bank Center, they had spent time with community members? What if they had shown the way that the Camden people honor their dead and care for the grieving in the midst of the violence, the way they sit on the stoops and talk to each other, the way they work in community gardens, the way they throw summer block parties and children play in the fire hydrants, the way small business owners serve their customers, or the way they play loud Spanish music in the middle of the street while they are fixing their neighbor's car. Those are the real Whispers in the Dark, the whispers of the Divine working in a city that has great darkness, but also real moments of glorious light. Why didn't they show that Camden? 

Maybe because, like most outsiders, they might get close enough to look, but not close enough to see, touch, smell, taste, and hear.

You can read the full article about the music video here:http://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2013/03/11/camden-goes-glam-as-location-for-hot-new-music-video/#respond

You can watch the music video here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNaM-N1NdGo

These are some of the comments from the article:

i<3camden • 11 hours ago
−

Although I agree with Perno's thought that through this video a good light is shone on Camden and people may decide Camden could be a place to potentially visit, I think that the NBC news broadcast on the city was incredibly important.
There's a lot that needs to be fixed before Camden will ever be a great place to visit (and I say this as one of Camden's biggest fans). There's nothing more that I want than people to know and love Camden, but it's just that, I want them to know and love the city- not the waterfront that was clearly developed without much of the people of Camden's involvement and input. It's barely Camden and is more of an extension of Penn's Landing in Philly (not saying that's a terribly horrible thing).
But with Coopers Ferry persistence in saying Camden's a great place to visit and live without addressing the major issues that are keeping the large majority of the city in utter poverty, there's going to be no real change and Camden will continue down the same path it's on right now.

word association • 9 hours ago

Cooper's Ferry is correct. Camden IS a great place to visit. I do it about once a week. Thousands of out-of-towners enjoy the city's artistic, musical, historic and educational venues. Thousands more miss out, because of comments like yours. Yes, Camden has "major issues". So do New York and Philadelphia. But tourism hasn't slowed down there. Perhaps you haven't visited Camden for a while. You are more than welcome.

i<3camden • 6 hours ago

I'm actually visiting in June, so will be coming very shortly!
I used to live in Camden for two years. To compare it to Philadelphia and New York is extremely off-base, unless you compare Camden directly to specific parts of North Philadelphia or the South Bronx in NYC. NYC and Philly both have a diverse population spanning all socio-economic classes, whereas Camden, not so much.
I'm a huge advocate for people to go and visit Camden. But I want them to visit Federal Street for Mexican food, Sacred Heart Catholic Church in South Camden, or 7th street right downtown to see the beautiful mural depicting the city.
Unfortunately, many people perceive those areas to be more dangerous than they actually are. Yes, you may need to be more careful than if at the Waterfront, but at least these places are true to Camden's identity as a city.
All I'm saying is that Cooper's Ferry is jumping ahead of what needs to happen first before true economic development can occur in Camden. Basic needs of the people need to be met, which would have a direct effect on crime in the city. Once that happens maybe we can go ahead and heavily promote the downtown waterfront tourism and living options.

Meeting #4

I feel like I've taken two steps backward with my participants, which is really disheartening because I felt like we really got somewhere in our last meeting. I had a lesson plan all worked out that was just as awesome as my previous one. Since one of the girls was missing, I wanted to give her a chance to experience a little of what we had done.

It was supposed to start at 4:00 and end at 6:30 because on of the girls had to go to a meeting for her church. As well prepared as I thought I was, the meeting didn't go anything like my plan. It went more like this: 

3:30 - Pick up one of the girls an hour before start because she couldn't get a ride over.

4:00 - Everyone is supposed to be showing up

4:23 - Facebook message from the other girl telling me that she's waiting on her ride but they are currently at the hospital with their grandma. 

4:30 - Everyone is supposed to be here, but only the one girl is. So I spend time going over with her what we did the week when she wasn't here and asking her questions and showing her the comment boards. 

5:20 - Still only 1 participant present. Other girl Facebook messages me, "Stevie what do you think i should do they still aren't here." Finally get ahold of the guy who is on his way but it would take too much time for him to pick up the other girl and at this point we only had a little over an hour. 

5:45 - He finally shows up. It's looking like the girl won't be able to make it so we work without her. I'm feeling really disappointed now, he's exhausted because he had been working so much and had to go to an all-night shift right after the meeting, and the other girl is worried about making it to her meeting. 

Basically, all we were able to do is talk. We talked about the more positive outsider perspectives of Camden. I asked if they thought anyone from the comments actually understood Camden. We attempted to talk about the play, the ideas I'd thought of, the ideas they had thought of, who our characters could be, the plot, the conflict, etc., but we weren't able to nail anything down. 

We ended and I feel like I am a big failure and the whole thing was a waste of time. I am frustrated at all the time wasted because they were so late. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated with them for things that are out of their control (like broken cell phones, lack of access to other communication technology, transportation, crazy work schedules, etc). I feel angry at myself for not being a better leader and really motivating them and I feel stupid for having relied so heavily on such a small group of participants. I think they are all really great people, but there are just so many barriers and such a short amount of time left to try to break through all of them. I'm running low on ideas and faith. 

Inspiration

"If their words are to enter men's hearts and bear fruit, they must be the right words, shaped cunningly to pass men's defenses and explode silently and effectually within their minds...It means learning how people are thinking and how they are feeling; it means learning with patience, imagination and ingenuity the way to pierce apathy or blank lack of understanding."


By J.B. Phillips, "Making Me Whole," 1975

Character Backstories

I had the participants create some character backstories for the play. I encouraged them to choose one of the negative comments made about Camden and write the backstory for the person who said that. This is some of what they wrote on the blog. I'm not sure how much of it we will end up using ultimately, but I'm glad they are finding ways to think about where these perspectives come from. I think both of them based their characters off of personal encounters with outsiders.

Nancy

"Well my person name is Nancy born and, raised in Moorsetown, NJ she grew up believeing Camden was a bad place due to her parents. With that also came racism and, bitterness towards the city. She looked down on people who had to do with anything involving Camden. Her parents always reminded her that "we are better than them". So as Nancy grew that saying stuck with her as an adult. She had even more of a hatred for the city as she grew. If avoiding had a face it would be her she found any types of new road ways to take so that Camden wouldn't cross her path. Nancy never once entered the city got to know the city nor experienced some of the good that it holds, all because of her being raised to hate it. So she was often considered one sided by those who weren't as bothered as she was with Camden. So her comment she posted extends from a long lifehood of ignorance."

Jake "Moose" Rosenburg

Jake is 17yrs old and is from Santa Cruz, California. Which is also known as Surf City. Moose is a currently attending Santa Cruz High school where he is a junior. He has a small group of friends who he has become very close to over the years. He and his friends all surf. He and his friend Terry "T" Johnson are the best surfers in the group and are always competing for the top spot. Whether it's just for fun or in competitions. His friend John "Wheels" Flatts is the best when it comes to riding anything with wheels hence his nickname. Alex "Brain" Peters is the smart one of the group. Then theirs William "will/Pyro" Roberson who likes to start beach fires. His obsession with fire sometimes scares the other guys but, he never takes it to far. Next is Bruce "Black" Jordan he's considered the cool one of the bunch and no one really knows why he likes to be called black but, it seems to fit. Last is Jake "Moose" Rosenberg He got his nickname when he found and purchased a mounted moose head in a yard sale and brought it with him to a competition.

Moose is an B+ student in school although he is constantly scolded by teachers for day dreaming. His favorite classes are art and Philosophy. His friends all do well in class and share his same distaste for school except for Brain of course. He doesn't know if college is in his future but, what he does know is that he want to try and become a professional surfer. His parents don't like agree with his ideals and want him to at least consider a second option. His father wants him to follow in his footsteps and become a Lawyer and his mother just wants him to have something to fall back on. His mother thinks/knows his surfer career is nothing more than fantasy and wants his to take his future more seriously.

Moose's parents are very into giving back and helping those in need although they very on there approaches. They have both agreed to move into the city of Camden, New Jersey to help out residents in any way they feel that they can. They also think that it'll be a good learning experience for Moose and hope it will make him take his future more seriously.

NBC Nightly News

NBC Nightly News recently did a segment on poverty in America and they started with Camden.

In Plain Sight - NBC Nightly News Video and Article

The segment was, of course, done by outsiders and gave a very outside and very white perspective on the city. A white newscaster, a white priest, and a white Chief of Police were all the main characters in this play. A play which tells the story of compassionate outsiders doing all they can for Camden while Camden folks are either sitting on their asses and receive welfare checks, shooting up people on the streets, or becoming yet another poor victim of the violence. It tells a very one-sided story.

There were over 1,800 comments made on this story and I would be bold enough to state that over 85% of them were made by Camden outsiders. Some are really terrible and some are really compassionate, but still, the dominant voice talking about Camden is the outside voice. Where is the Camden City voice and why isn't it being heard louder? 

Say Something Nice About Camden

“Camden – it’s easy to spell.”

“It’s nice not to live in Camden.”

“It looks good in the rear-view mirror.”

All of the comments above and below were written by people who live outside of Camden in the comments section of various news articles about the city. They have called Camden a “cesspool,” a “black hole,” “the deadliest city,” “corrupt,” “poor,” “a waste of state money and resources,” “crime-ridden.” Read, feel, respond and don't hold anything back, because they won't either. You want people to care? Make them. 

“Camden does not care about preventing any murders. My daughter was attacked by a fellow student after school in mid October this year. The girl grabbed my daughter by the throat and threw her into a tree, threatening to disfigure her face so she could not get any modeling jobs. Threatening her that she will kill her if she tells anyone. To this day this student continues to harass, threaten and intimidate my daughter. When I finally got my daughter to tell me what happened, because she was not going to tell me that I had to drag it out of her. She was not herself, she seemed dazed, and scared. She has several medical disorders and was complaining of head, neck, and back pain so I took her to the ER, I asked them to call the police, they said they had no one to send to take my complaint to go to the station after we left the ER. Well by then it was after 1am and all my daughter wanted was to lay down. I went to the police several times and they refused to take my complaint stating “they are just kids these things happens” I know kids push and shove along with name calling. But the moment that girl put her hands around my daughter’s neck it crossed the line to assault. I went to the school, the student is a known bully, she was on the video the day this happened pushing my daughter into a locker and then went on to push a couple more kids into lockers and a teacher had to break up a fight. The school has also done nothing to protect my daughter. She is afraid to go outside by hearself, the student keeps telling everyone she is not done with my daughter. She now comes to our neighbors house and yells into my daughter’s window that she is a whore and a bitch, and that she can not wait to get her alone. So for New Jersey to have this so-called severe anti-bullying law is a joke. They removed my daughter from school because they refused to accept her doctor’s notes. Not they are saying my daughter started all this. I refuse to send my daughter back to that school is a joke in October I request work for my daughter to make up while she was out for my mother’s passing and some medical problems. They never notified her teachers. Apparently the law needs some work or the state needs to enforce this law because I am not getting any help. I REFUSE TO ALLOW MY DAUGHTER TO BECOME A STATISTIC OF THIS CITY BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD HELP.”

“Once again I am tired of these community leaders, ministers and corrupt politicians always organizing and protesting. Its 50 years later and the direction has not changed maybe they should try something different…Another thing they have no sking in the game either its all about the handout, my view is if the citizens in the down don’t pick another path. I am sorry but we will have to let that city along with the others die on the vine and rebuild. Its is very close to that option and we can no longer expect hard working families who arm barely making ends meet pay the tab.”

“So, the people of Camden protest but what do they do about the problem themselves? Seems they always want others to solve the problems. The city is funded mostly by the taxes of people from other towns in NJ. The violence is occurring inside the city from it’s own residents. When the police try to get tough people claim police brutality. How about the concerned citizens get together and force the criminals out? How about they line the streets and drug selling area and make it impossible to conduct business? Why is it always up to others to solve the problems that the people of Camden caused themselves? Because they let it get out of hand the rest of the state now has to step in and fix it? Who is going to pay for that?”

“Instead of standing around protesting and asking for help, the residents would do a lot more good by inviting the Guardian Angels in to train them on how to clean out the scum from their neighborhoods”

Trueaccount: “I can remember when Camden was a flourishing city with good neighbors, decent schools, and a solid industrial base that supported plenty of jobs. What happened?

“Trueaccount is sarcastic. We are afraid of reality, problems, and real solutions. One side keeps people in the cities of rot by design and the other is blind and afraid to hurt feelings and will pander. So in reality nothing will change.”

“Short of Martial Law, what can be done to help all the poor law abiding slobs who work every day to try to squeek out a living and have to call this place home..”

Comment Exchange:

Person 1: “Add a few Caucasian folks: arm them well, etc.”

Person 2: “They [‘Caucasion folks’] are already here, buying drugs, soliciting prostitution, and adding to the problem. As usual, racism and ignorance go hand in hand.

Person 3: “Yeah, all whitey’s fault. The only time this honkie goes to the ghetto is for jury duty (to report to the deadliest city in the country no less), and then I get the hell outta there.

Person 4: Well said, Person 2. Sad how Person 3 rushing to defend Person 1 racists comments misread the facts.

“You could put 10,000 cops in that city it won’t help. Mayor Redd get those guns working on the USS New Jersey point them at the city and open fire!!!!!!”

Meeting #3

This was the lesson plan I used for our third meeting. We spend about an hour discussing things on the blog because they hadn't been commenting on it much and I wanted to get their feedback. The meeting actually went really well and I was very encouraged. Only two out of the three showed up and we got started late, but we had some great breakthroughs. Both of them commented that getting to role-play an outsider helped them understand better how people outside of Camden can think and say the things they do about Camden. They were angry, but sympathizing at the same time, which I think is really necessary. I also felt like we broke through a little of that apathy. We still don't have much to go off of for the play but we did decide on our audience and theme:

Audience: Camden insiders and outsiders

Theme: the Voices (outside and inside) and the complex relationship between them  (the us vs. them)

                 

The outsider perspective

I have been reading article upon article upon article about Camden, but what I've really been paying attention to are the comments. People may not want to go into the city of Camden, but they sure have a lot to say about it.

Some comments are absolutely infuriating: You could put 10,000 cops in that city it won't help. Mayor Redd get those guns working on the USS New Jersey point them at the city and open fire!!!!!

Others actually almost seem to understand the complexities of the problems in Camden and approach with more compassion and sympathy: Camden is not a cesspool. There are good hard working people that live here. People who just want to raise their kids or live out their retirement years in peace. The real issue in Camden; and the other cities you mentioned, is poverty. 

Or this one: The primary cause of Camden’s problem, if people listened to the videos, is that the poor population kept getting poorer and growing in size while the wealthy kept getting wealthier. This is the same scenario as the whole nation is beginning to experience. We could use this as a good Blue Print of what America in general will be from sea to shining sea if thing are not done to protect ALL AMERICANS not just the Wealthy. 

I have been saturating myself with these comments, coping them into a Microsoft Word doc, and have collected over 60 pages of them. 

For the next meeting with my participants, I want to focus on these comments. My mentor suggested that I may have taken them as far as we can go with discussions and that now would be a good time to push them out of the apathy I sometimes sense from them, make them angry and make them deal with that anger, and do some theatre that will help us all get to that more vulnerable place that not only creates great drama, but moves us closer to healing. 

Camden articles

Camden No. 1 again
http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/camden_flow/188927931.html

Artists reflect on whether arts can help save Camden
http://www.courierpostonline.com/article/20121230/LIVING/312300013/

Camden officers struggle with their jobs
http://articles.philly.com/2013-02-03/news/36705727_1_city-officers-camden-s-fraternal-order-metro-division

Subaru helping Camden Kroc Center
http://articles.philly.com/2013-02-14/news/37102114_1_subaru-salvation-army-ray-supermarket

Wrongly jailed ex-prisoners must pay child support before they get settlement money
http://articles.philly.com/2013-02-16/news/37121261_1_child-support-alexander-shalom-paul-melletz

Fighting Camden poverty through youth empowerment
http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/camden_flow/Fighting-Camden-poverty-through-youth-empowerment.html

Bakery's mission is to help Camden
http://www.courierpostonline.com/article/20130218/NEWS01/302180024/Bakery-s-mission-help-Camden

Camden charter's chef gets $24,000 raise, drawing scrutiny 
http://articles.philly.com/2013-02-19/news/37162260_1_food-service-contract-charter-school-tomato-soup

Man, 23, shot to death
http://articles.philly.com/2013-02-20/news/37181710_1_camden-county-prosecutor-s-office-sixth-homicide-jason-laughlin

Tawanda Jones, mother, friend, mentor to youth of Camden
http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/speak-easy-archive/item/50926-tawanda-jones-mother-friend-and-mentor-to-youth-of-camden-nj?Itemid=219

Camden mayor tells leaders what her city needs
http://articles.philly.com/2013-02-22/news/37223836_1_camden-community-charter-mayor-dana-l-redd-camden-county

Opportunity knocks for Camden
http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/Opportunity-Knocks-for-Camden-192120331.html

In Camden shootings, tragedy perplexes community 
http://articles.philly.com/2013-02-25/news/37271885_1_police-officer-administrative-duty-unidentified-officer

Dispensing wisdom with style, barber presides in Camden 'oasis'
http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/arts-and-culture-everything/item/51547-dispensing-wisdom-with-style-camden-barber-cuts-close-to-the-essential

Denver, Thesis Mentors, and Dressmakers

I just got back from an amazing trip in Denver. My thesis mentor lives out there along with his partner who is making my wedding dress. Here is a photo of the dress so far:

I knew I was right in trusting Dave with this task. I LOVE it and it isn't even finished. 

In addition to being my dressmaker and thesis mentor, they are also really good friends so they took me to eat loads of great food and do lots of fun things like snow tubing: 

The visit was amazing and I'm pretty convinced now that Denver will be our next home. If a Florida girl can enjoy Colorado even in the wintertime, I feel pretty confident that I'll enjoy it in every season. 

Denver also got a major blizzard while I was there and we had 9 inches of snow! My flight on Sunday was cancelled and I missed the first day of residency...oops. 

Tim and I were able to have a nice talk about my thesis that went on for a few hours. He convinced me that I need to push the participants further. A lot of the time, I get a sense that they are very apathetic about stuff in Camden, the kind of attitude that says, "If it isn't happening to me, then it doesn't really matter." That's the kind of attitude I'm trying to challenge, because I really believe that it is part of the problem. If Camden people don't work together to mend the brokenness of the city, blaming the outsiders and other people in the city for their bad choices, and the outsiders continue to just place blame on everyone, then nothing will change. Sometimes it feels like both sides are so convinced they are right that not only are they not willing to listen to the other side, they aren't even willing to talk to them openly and honestly about their own perspectives. The relationship between Camden insiders and outsiders is so dysfunctional, even if they can appreciate each other on some level, because neither truly trusts the other. 

Update

I've been a slight slacker on updating this blog, however, I've been pretty good about keeping up with the group blog. So far, 3 of the youth are really consistent, one is mostly consistent, and one is a little evasive. Regardless, I'm still really loving and excited about this project. The participants have amazing insights and experiences to contribute and are very responsive to my questions and prodding. So far, we've had two meetings. We've met at my house both times because I feel like it is a safe space for all of us and makes me seem a little more human to them. I think because my apartment is not within Camden and it is a private place, they feel confident that what they share will remain confidential and they feel secure. That has been really important for me in setting up the methodology for how I work with the participants, I need them to feel safe and comfortable.

We have discussed a lot about their lives and experiences and about Camden. They love their city, but they are not blind to all of the problems within it. By the same token, they also see what is beautiful and right within the city. Things like a community that looks out for one another, long-term friendships, beautification projects like art installations, murals, and community gardens, and the nonprofits that are actually doing good without causing more harm to the city. At the first meeting, we spent more time talking about their lives and experiences. At the second meeting, we talked more about the play, who we want our audience to be, what we need them to know, and how we are going to present our story. We have two pretty great ideas and now we have to narrow it down and decide which direction we are going to go.

I've been continually asking for feedback from them about the process too. So far, they are all excited, comfortable, and are enjoying the process and the opportunity to speak their minds without fear. As well as asking personal questions, I've also been posting articles about Camden for them to respond to. This hasn't elicited as many responses as I expected, but from what they've been saying to me, they are reading the articles and interested in them even if they aren't putting their responses in writing. It is amazing to me that as much as they are in tune with the city and what is happening because of their connections and relationships, they are mostly unaware of the what the media and newspapers are putting out there. It highlights the difference between myself (an outsider) and them (the insiders). I get all of my information from the articles I read about Camden, whereas they get their information from actually living there and being truly connected into the city. It makes me feel a combination of jealousy, humility, and pride in them. Jealousy, because I wish I had that kind of connection and relational strength with the people in Camden. Humility, because it makes me realize just how limited I am. Pride in them, because I realize just how much potential they have to truly make a difference for the city. I think that if they keep themselves more informed via the media and news articles and combine that with their strong connections in the city, they can really be movers and shakers. It just affirms for me again how necessary it is for transformation to come from within and not from without. These young people really do give me hope and I just hope that I am able to use my resources and talent to empower them to see their potential. It is not my job to transform the city, it is my job to empower these amazing young people to see their own power and potential to be the change they wish to see there.

There is something seriously wrong when we can just ignore shit like this

This article makes me literally dizzy and ill. It just reaffirms for me how easy it is for us, in our American privilege, to completely turn a blind eye to things like this. Human trafficking and sex slavery exists in our own country and if we think that ignoring it will make it go away, we are in for a rude awakening. Cities like Camden that, in some parts look like they belong in a "3rd World" country and the best we, as a society, can come up with is increasing tourism or state take-overs of the police force. We can fool ourselves into thinking that these problems exist outside of us and the most we need to be concern with is how much we pay in taxes, but one day they are really going to bite us in the ass.

Super Bowl Sex Trafficking:
http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2013/02/former_sex_trafficking_victim.html 

FRUSTRATED

Did I mention I'm feeling frustrated? The blogging thing is not going quite as well as I hoped. I might have one or two comments but not a whole lot of consistency and nothing for three days from anyone. I'm thinking this in person meeting cannot come soon enough. Now I just need to figure out what we're going to do. Hopefully everyone comes! Fingers crossed...

Searching for the quiet

I'm needing some quiet time. My mind and heart are so full of stuff, thoughts and emotions that just won't let me get a decent night's sleep. I don't just need a distraction, I need stillness. Searching... Searching...

Life in addition to the thesis

I expected this, but that doesn't make the fact any easier. Trying to stay on top of my thesis, my final class in grad school, the 10 lessons I teach throughout the week, grant writing for a nonprofit near my house, and wedding planning is not easy. Not to mention trying to take care of myself and be present to my relationships too. And maybe it is just the pressures of wedding planning and what it is "supposed" to look like, but I also feel kind of abandoned by a lot of my friends. I mean, a girl is supposed to get help from her mother, sisters, and best friends in planning her wedding, right? But my mother, sisters, and best friends are all living in other states and though all are eager to help me in anyway they can, the distance makes that really hard. I've only live up here for 3 years and don't really have a group of people I can call my best friends like I had in college or in high school. I guess it's harder once you are living life and away from forced situations of community like college living. But it means that there will probably be no bridal shower and maybe not even a bachelorette party, which always seemed to me to be really fun traditions. Realizing that makes me even happier we are doing the camp wedding thing, though, because it means I will have time with my friends beforehand to catch up and enjoy them rather than just seeing them for a hot second at the reception. Oh weddings.

Leading and engaging

I'm struggling with how to keep my participants engaged. Everyone seems really excited about the project and eager to help me, but they also have their own lives to be concerned with and distracted by. I don't want them to start feeling annoyed with me and my persistence, but I also need to keep reminding them to check the blog and respond. So far, it's been hard to get them to read and comment on each other's posts too. I'm hoping maybe the first face-to-face meeting with everyone will change a lot of that...providing most of them come. I have a total of 5 participants now and am wondering if I should try to add a couple more. It's probably best to do that early on rather than wait until the group feels too comfortable with one another to accept new people.

LOVE

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS PROJECT. Honestly, I am so glad that I changed my whole thesis at the last minute because I am in love with this project. I might not feel this way every day for the next few months, but right now I am so engaged, excited, and inspired. I am falling for Camden and its young people more and more by the day. For all of its negative press, there are some truly amazing, wise, and divinely-filled people coming from and residing in that city and they are all under the age of 25!

The Facebook

Facebook is an interesting and useful form of communication, even though I definitely have my discrepancies with it. Sometimes I hate how you can essentially know what is going on in so many people's lives without ever having to actually talk to them. However, at a time when almost everyone has a Facebook and checks it at least once daily if not many more times, it has been a very valuable way for me to communicate with the participants of my thesis regularly. I can send quick messages to the whole group reminding them to update on the blog and while not everyone is updating every day at the moment, I have at least 2-3 of them updating most of the time. And all of their updates are great and even this early on, are giving me new insights. Not only is Facebook an useful method of mass communication, but with people updating their statuses and adding photos so often, it also gives me another look into their daily lives that the blog does not, which I think might also play a part of my research. All of the normal youth drama, the ever-evolving relationships, the crazy pictures with friends or of themselves in the mirror with their phone, the attempts at witty status updates about nothing in particular, the passive aggressive updates when they are annoyed or frustrated, and the truly insightful responses to their world and experiences. 

Moving right along...

Well, the group blog officially began yesterday and after some minor frustrations with trying to get everyone on as a co-author because of blogger's system, I finally have 4 of the youth contributing. I'm waiting on responses from three others, but might ask a couple more people by tomorrow if they haven't responded. I'm slightly concerned that I'm going to have to remind them to blog every day, but hopefully after a few days it will just become a habit and I won't have to stay on their case about it. Fingers crossed!

Crossing Cultures and Chicken Fights

Yesterday, I met with one of the participants to catch up with her since I had not seen her for a number of months and to tell her a little bit more about the project in person. As we were catching up, she told me a story about how her stepfather had brought back a bunch of chickens and roosters from Puerto Rico a while back. She talked about how much she had loved the chickens and how cute they were. She said that at one point they had over 50 chickens and roosters in her backyard before a neighbor called animal control on them. She was really sad not to have them anymore. When I asked what all the chickens and roosters were for and why animal control was called, she said that they were for fighting. At first, I was really appalled and thought that animal control had the right idea, though I tried to hide it on my face so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable. It has always seemed very cruel and wrong to me to take animals, coop them up together, and then teach or encourage them to fight to the death. It reminds me too much of the Roman colosseum. My face must have given me away more than I meant for it to, however, because she defended it casually and said it had a lot to do with "Puerto Rican pride." She was very enthusiastic about caring for and raising the chickens as well as watching them fight to the death. It is a part of her culture and she is not ashamed.

Right now, I'm still not quite sure how I feel about it. I guess I'm still pretty appalled and strongly reminded of the colosseum, but I also feel a little more open-minded because of knowing her and because of her feelings toward chicken fighting and its link to "Puerto Rican pride." Not that I'm going to take up the hobby of chicken fighting, but the conversation made me think more about being able to interact and live cross-culturally. I was raised a certain way with certain values and so was she. That doesn't necessarily make either one of us right or wrong, just different. There are things about the culture in which I was raised that I believe are wrong and there are probably things that I will believe are wrong later after I have had more experiences. So much of right and wrong has more to do with how we are socialized and what we personally believe based on our experiences than what is actually "right" and "wrong." There is so much more gray in the world than any of us are comfortable with. We like to know where we stand and so we are much more comfortable in the black and white, even if it means damaging our relationships, reacting without love, and arrogantly telling others they are wrong. I would rather be uncomfortable and humbled than comfortable, fearful, and prideful. No culture has it all right and every culture has value and deserves, if nothing else, an open mind.

Be better for ya children

One of the participants in my project posted this on Facebook tonight and I think it says a lot for her wisdom and maturity for such a young woman and one that grew up in Camden:

Females and fellas be a good influence for ya child seriously...Funny how u hoe around and sell dope and incourage your child to be better shittn me they look up to their parents ...be better for ya children U ain't a man Faa that n u dam sure ain't a lady!

She's got it.

The Code of the Streets

An article I found really enlightening and also affirmed a lot of what I have learned over the last 3 years living in and near Camden:

"The Code of the Streets" by Elijah Anderson

All about the process...

So far I have met with three people interested in helping me with my thesis. All three seem very excited and are enthused about the group blogging idea. It makes it easier on everyone I think because they can participate regularly with the group without attending every group meeting. The one problem I've run into is that one of them is younger than 18, which means that I probably have to redo the IRB again, make that adjustment, resubmit it, and wait for approval before I can get started formally. Everything is a process.

Redemptive Shame, Redemptive Mercy

Somehow we must be able to stand up before our most bitter opponents and say: "We shall match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering. We will meet your physical force with soul force. Do to us what you will and we will still love you...But be assured that we'll  wear you down by our capacity to suffer, and one day we will win our freedom. We will not only win freedom for ourselves; we will so appeal to your heart and conscience that we will win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory. 
                                                 -Martin Luther King Jr.

Recently I saw the movie "Les Miserables" in the theater and I cried my eyes out the whole time. Most people cried during that movie, so my reaction was not all that unusual. At the end of the movie, I could have sat in the theater for another hour in awe and in tears. I was moved by the incredible mercy and redemption the story portrayed and how charged it was with the message of Jesus. So much pain and suffering was inflicted upon its characters, but they matched it with their capacity to suffer and shamed the powers that enslaved them. The movie reminded me of this quote by Martin Luther King Jr. and on this day that honors him and his work to bring about long-awaited mercy and justice, I wanted to unpack this portrayal and concept of grace.

"Les Mis" made me think a lot about how true change happens within a person and transformation in a whole society. In the story the main character, Jean Valjean is imprisoned and enslaved for stealing bread to save his sister's son. The antagonist, Javert, is a man of the strictest law, believing in the law's justice and that stronger sentences are required as a means of deterrence.  Once a criminal, always a criminal. When Jean Valjean is released and put on parole for life, he finds himself fit for little but a life working menial jobs, panhandling, and trying to find a different place to sleep each night out of the cold. When he is discovered by a priest, the priest invites him in to eat at his table and sleep in a warm bed for the night. Thinking this man is a fool, Jean Valjean robs him and flees in the middle of the night. When he is caught by the authorities and brought to the priest for questioning, the priest in an incredible act of grace, extends mercy to Jean Valjean by telling the authorities that he gave him the silver and then tells Jean Valjean that he left the best behind and gives him the expensive silver candlesticks. The priest saves Jean Valjean from a life of enslavement and tells him that he has saved him for God.

The rest of the movie follows Jean Valjean, his life forever changed and his soul redeemed because of this great act of mercy. He goes on to become very powerful himself and uses his power to bestow the same kind of mercy he received on others, wielding it with kindness, humility, and grace. All the while, Javert seeks him for breaking parole and to the very end, cannot see him, changed as he is, as anything other than a thief. There is no mercy in Javert, he is the law and he is power. When Javert eventually finds the tables turned, powerless in the hands of Jean Valjean and is shown mercy instead of "justice," he decides that he cannot live with an act of mercy that great over his head and he commits suicide.

In one of the most heartbreaking scenes of the movie, Jean Valjean has come alongside of a group of young rebel men, refusing to give into the harsh laws of the government and corruption of those in power. Outnumbered, the young men are eventually slaughtered, including a child about 8 years old. It was absolutely shameful and this is what I'm getting to.

How do people and societies change? Through great mercy and through deep, humbling shame. The only way to show mercy to someone is if you already have power over them. If one has no power, one cannot extend mercy, the only weapon one has is the ability to suffer and to shame those with power with one's "capacity to suffer." It is a sad, harsh truth. It is unfair that the powerful can show mercy and the powerless can shame through suffering, but what other way is there? It is the way of Jesus and though I may not believe that Jesus' blood saved us from a wrathful God and the fiery furnaces of hell, I do believe in the grace he taught and died for. In his advocacy for the marginalized and capacity to suffer alongside of them, he shamed Rome in all its power and wealth and the society began to change. What we now call "Christianity" took off and what had been a powerful nation began to fall as more and more people rebelled against its practices and corruption. Jesus embodied both the power to show mercy and the capacity to endure suffering and no one can deny the impact his life had on the world, whether they believe he's the savior or not.

As I think about who I am, what the world is, and the transformation that I wish to see, mostly I reflect on this defining grace that can shame the rich and powerful and extend mercy to the powerless. I long for that shame and that mercy to overcome the world and move us all to compassion. That's the kind of play I want to write. We write about what we see and what we experience, but also what we want to see and what we want to experience.

Like we're gonna die young

If I die young bury me in satin,
Lay me down on a bed of roses, 
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song. 
         ~ The Band Perry

It's not anything new. Musicians have been singing about dying young for decades. Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young," Johnny Cash's "I'd Rather Die Young," Beyonce's "Rather Die Young," The Band Perry quoted above, and now Ke$ha's new "Die Young" in which she tells the guy she meets in the bar to "make the most of the night like we're gonna die young." Confession: I love Ke$sha and I love that song. I know her lyrics are dirty and promote terrible values, but the songs are so catchy and I love how weird she is. But I can listen to her songs with her twisted values and not be affected by them in such a way that makes me think, "Yeah! That's the way!" I'm not going to "brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack" or meet the guy in the back by the jukebox to have sex with him. That lifestyle is just not me and frankly, though it may be fun occasionally to get a little wild and party with friends, to make a lifestyle out of it is just plain dangerous. However, this is the way I feel like a lot of young people are headed and popular music promotes and glorifies it.

I worry about this "die young" mentality that seems to exist most openly and obviously in the inner city among urban youth but is also a strong underlying theme in American society as a whole. Again, it is not anything new. In ancient times, dying young was often the glory of brave warriors. The violence of war represented courage, honor, and glory. I don't see much difference in our American mentality today. We praise our armed forces and young men for their courage to defend our country through violence and then we wonder why our young men are acting out the same thing on our streets at home. It is all about the glory and our culture esteems it, but we do not think about the consequences.

Some people could defend it by saying that it is the same idea as living like it's the last day of your life, but to me, there is a big difference between that and living like you're going to die young. Living like it's the last day of your life connotes that you are going to live fully present today and find meaning in your choices and relationships. "If it was your last day to live, how would you spend it?" Most people would say with loved ones or doing an activity they always wanted to do like skydiving. Living like you are going to die young has a connotation that you have no real future so why not just live for whatever makes you feel good right now. There is a big distinction and it is a dangerous one. Without hope for one's future, what do you really have except temporary pleasures?

I enjoy jamming out to Ke$ha's song, but the repercussions of our culture continuing to glorify the "die young" mentality are scary to think about and we are already paying the price.

The next four months of crazy

From the day I started my Master's program at Eastern University, I began hearing the phrase "Life is like that" constantly. The phrase is used by one of my professors most often to describe the concept of metaphor. "Art is metaphor for life," she would say. This is becoming an even deeper truth for me as I enter into my final semester of grad school and begin an unpredictable, yet exciting thesis project. In these next four months, I will not only be completing my class requirement for graduation, but planning my wedding and completing my thesis. I also teach about 7-8 Musical Theatre classes in my "spare time." This blog will be the place where I record my notes, thoughts, research findings, doubts, stresses, and anything else related to my thesis in order to supplement my final paper. Online blogging makes the copy/paste function easier.

My thesis involves engaging 6-8 young people between the ages of 18 and 30 to write a play about Camden, NJ and what it was like to grow up there. We will all be blogging together in a private group about the culture of Camden and their experience growing up in the city. I want their creativity to flow without my opinions, questions, and grapplings with my life, worldview, and thoughts on their lives, worldview, and thoughts. I don't want them to be able to read this blog until the project is finished so it will likely be private until all of that is over and then I might make it available to public viewing. In order to ensure their confidentiality, the names of any identifying people or places will be changed if I write about it here. That way, if this ever does become public, their personal information will remain private. So now that the blog introduction and background information part is over with, welcome to the next four months of crazy.